John Nilsson

I was raised in Southern California to active LDS parents. My father was the grandchild of Swedish Mormon converts who moved to Utah around the turn of the twentieth century. My mother was a Los Angeles convert from a loosely Presbyterian Scottish background. The death of her father while she was in high school started her search for a secure set of religious beliefs and values. Although I had plenty of LDS friends to pick from, I primarily chose to associate with "Gentile" male friends through high school. Strangely though, I preferred the company of LDS girls for dating purposes, as for a while did my Gentile friends. I think I could sense the social pressure to primarily associate with LDS youth and resented it to a certain degree.

I attended BYU for a year before my mission where I sought evidence in the campus library to confirm my nascent doubts about the religious stories I'd been raised with. I also tried to continue my high school romance long-distance but was told shortly before I finished my freshman year by my girlfriend that she had begun seeing another man in California whom she considered to be more faithful in the Church. This was a devastating blow, and it made me rethink my openness in sharing my religious beliefs. I then began to prepare for a mission, which I reluctantly concluded was the best way to return the love of my parents who were disappointed when I expressed my doubts about the Church. I was called to Germany and after the culture shock wore off, was amazed to be in such an historically-rich area of the world. I learned at this time how to be more cautious in expressing my beliefs and disbeliefs and was not completely honest with other missionaries or members as a result.

I came back to BYU and dated a wonderful woman who is more orthodox than me in matters of Church history but who takes a lively interest in gender issues as they relate to the Church. She also has had some life experiences which enable her to take a liberal view of Church authority. We married in the temple and are raising a child together in the Church.

I am currently active in the Church and serve as financial clerk in my ward. I hold a temple recommend and use it occasionally.

My crisis of faith began during high school when I began asking sincere questions about life and my understanding of the gospel and discussing them with my mainly Protestant and agnostic friends. My parents had always encouraged me and my siblings to reflect on what we learned at church, and I began to do so, reading voraciously sources as diverse as Joseph Fielding Smith's Essentials of Church History and Leonard Arrington's and Davis Bitton's The Mormon Experience. I began to see discrepancies between various accounts of events and wondered what the real story was. I am a natural skeptic, so I always doubted some of the more histrionic and fanciful tales I heard in seminary and Sunday School.

I was physically affected by my lack of honesty when on my mission. I lost weight, had breakouts of acne, etc. Since deciding to be more forthcoming about my feelings and opinions on Church issues, I have not had physical effects to my knowledge other than sleeping better! It has been difficult for me to disentangle emotion from spirituality, having been raised as a Mormon. I think that being in the Borderlands (to use Jeff Burton's term) has added a wistful quality to my relationship with the Church. I look back at my childhood and early teenage years as a time of innocent acceptance of things which I no longer take very literally.

I cope with the issues I face with as much good humor as I can muster. I find that other active members of the Church who might otherwise resent the stance of someone like me in the Borderlands can be turned around a little bit if they are presented with humor and good will. I also have tried to be at service projects and to help out around the ward to be perceived as an active ward member. Spiritually I made my peace with God years ago on my mission. I have never felt estranged from Him since.

I am somewhat open about my beliefs and lack of them with my spouse, parents, and ward members. I don't announce my heresies, but those that listen to me speak long enough have sensed something different about my attitude to the Church. Some ward members have approached me with tough questions they have about the Church. I have found that there are others like me out there if I remain open to listening to their concerns. For example, I feel free to make comments in Gospel Doctrine which indicate I hold a different interpretation of passages in the New Testament than the standard LDS view, or make statements accepting higher criticism of the Bible as opposed to uncritical statements Joseph Smith made. I think it's important to be honest about the issues at hand as opposed to raising issues which no one is discussing (like Book of Mormon historicity, gay rights, etc.) When those issues are discussed, if I feel strongly about it, I say something. Often I say nothing in certain situations because I feel nothing productive can be gained.

My spouse is more accepting of my situation than my parents, but that may be because they have invested different hopes for me than my wife did. She came into our marriage with both eyes open to our differences about the Church, which generally boil down to my interest in history and her relative unconcern for that. She is much more interested in current Church issues, where we have much common ground on the issues of race, gender, attitude towards other religions, etc.

My personal religion is based on weekly (not daily, I don't think I'll ever manage that) scripture study, and some form of daily prayer. The person of Christ is central to my religion, especially his teachings of compassion and the universality of God's love. I try to fulfill my Church calling and to give priesthood blessings when asked to do so by family, friends, and ward members. Part of my personal religion is seeking knowledge, so I read books and attend presentations to enlarge my understanding of Mormonism, Christianity, religion, and humanity in general. I also consider honesty to be part of my personal religion, so I will try to integrate the insights I have gained from my study into my beliefs. I see things as a connected whole. Learning about evolution and the age of the earth has an impact on my beliefs about the interpretation of scripture and the nature of revelation, for instance.

For those members going through the Borderlands experience, I would suggest finding like-minded friends. If Sunstone is your kind of thing, attend Sunstone. If you like surfing the Bloggernacle, post comments on websites where issues important to you are being discussed. Community is arguably the chief strength of Mormonism, and I felt that I lost this when I doubted core teachings of the Church. Externalize your doubts in safe places, and you will gain good friends.

I would like the Church to encourage a spirit of openness by gradually disclosing more and more information about itself as the years go on. For instance, the Church ought to have secular scholars of repute like Richard Bushman as the Church Historian, and to have his works published by Deseret Book, which would lend some weight to the tale he tells of Joseph Smith's life. The Church ought to be less punishing of those with contrary opinions and more punishing of those who have committed real offenses (like child abuse, for instance.) The Church could do simple things like disclose the amounts General Authorities are paid, or reveal more of the decision-making processes that go into things like the renovation of downtown SLC. An atmosphere of openness and transparency is much more reassuring to people like me than the prevailing sense of overwhelming secrecy which cloaks every action the Church takes. I think the Church is taking some positive steps in these directions right now. Symbolic steps of openness at the general Church level will encourage more timid leaders at lower levels to follow the culture thus created.

In conclusion, the Church is a place where doubting members can have a comfortable home with some adjustments to the furnishings and decorations. This does not work for everyone, but it has for me, and for a few friends I know.